Did you take that feedback personally? If so…
You might be struggling with emotional immaturity & this can help.
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who wore a listening appearance, but wasn’t quite receiving? I don’t mean because they were on the phone, part-time “mhmm”-ing at your pauses. I’m talking a conversation wherein you were attempting to express how this supposed-to-be-listener had some negative impact, and suddenly they became thoroughly unable to stay in “listening” character. Maybe as soon as they heard a pause, they took it as an opportunity to defend their character, or cite past achievements in their other human relationships. Maybe there was no pause, and they just interrupted whatever train of thought you had on track to derail one conversation and create a new one! Or even went so far as to attempt to reverse the feedback they couldn’t accept, and gave their own criticism, commenting on perceived character flaws of you — whom they were fine in conversation with moments ago. Sound familiar? Too familiar? If some memory stirred when it was you — you can silently acknowledge that and know that is okay! It isn’t you, or them, but this particular affliction of taking things personally as a sign of emotional immaturity that’s we’ll discuss in this article, and some ways we might all overcome it. Stay with me!
In personally navigating the conversational road-block of acting allergic to feedback, I’ve come to discover a common theme — the human habit of taking things personal. How often and deeply we take things personally is one of many indicators that we have real “work” to do in the field of emotional growth and development. Consider the epitome of immaturity — young children. I’m talking ages 0–5. If you know some, you know how they embody the essence of making things about them so naturally. Their world revolves around them, and we just live in it. They see and hear things in relation to themselves by default, whether it be their desires, dislikes, needs or fears. Even when faced with others’ experiences, they easily relate it to however it fits within their frame of reference & what they are familiar with. This is natural as they develop, and can certainly be benign. It’s not their fault, and is usually something they are trained out of displaying, as they are schooled in the ways of consideration and confronted with not actually being in charge of their own lives. We constantly give people between the ages of 0–5 feedback, and they are quick to show us what they feel and questions they have about it.
So on the topic of “receiving feedback” lets break down the term itself in the style of a well-versed hood philosopher and work backwards from there. To “feed” means to provide food for ingestion, like one would a crying baby. Or in some cases, to cause an item’s gradual movement forward, such as a retractable cord or measuring tape. To feed meets the need we have to consume, and move forward in our growth. “Back” means to return from where once came. In this instance, feedback is having something put forth to ingest returned to where it once came. We all know that some things we ingest can nourish or can poison. Once something is put out, something comes back like a boomerang. To put it plainly, think of feedback like a mirror — just reflecting something back to where it came. Now, this is all poetically good and symbolically well, but in a physically real sense, there is more to this reflection on feedback worth taking into our actual lives and relationships.
If anyone you know, including yourself, finds that feedback is often received as a personal attack, rather than information and food for thought, there is a level of stunted emotional growth at play. Don’t get me wrong, there is a thin line between giving feedback versus criticising, and even still, our emotional maturity can help us overcome either, because it allows for an unwavering, ultimate power to choose. To take what fits, and leave what doesn’t. Even if it takes some time to make that examination. (Grace y’all)!
Now, onto working backwards and calling attention into the art of giving feedback. This was such a growth area for me, I’ve been likened to a dragon and warned about so others would “beware” my “fiery wrath”! These days, when I take time to consider giving feedback, I like to take care in the context of my relationships. I consider it as information designed around speaking from my own experience, relative to my life’s stories. In a real world example, it plays out with my live in partner every blue moon. The best reminder I have, and have given to him is “when I can’t think well of you, I think about me,”. I take a version of this into all my teaching gigs, and encourage ANYONE who hopes to love, be close to, and cultivate relationships to important people in their life to try it! Focusing on one’s own experience as an individual with their own past traumas and triggers creates greater access to influence on what comes next. It is the difference between acknowledging “what” was triggering versus “who” triggered the experience (IE: someone else’s actions or behavior, which could be innocent, and purely accidental). One lens accounts for the power & responsibility we have when faced with a reminder of what once hurt us and left us sensitive. The other simply does not, and often relies on being a victim, with absolutley no ability to respond under someone else’s fault.
This specific practice when communicating builds on emotional clarity, maturity and intelligence. There are many useful frameworks out there to help us communicate from an ever-growing emotional maturity, such as the “non-violent communication” formula, and various styles of using “I” statements. In RC, we simply take turns sharing time to speak for ourselves without interruption, with loving and full attention of whoever is our co-counselor for that session. Whenever possible, we “go early” to the time in our lives as young people when we actually did have little ability to respond to the powers that were. We trace the triggers back by looking at how, who, or what we are being reminded of when “restimulated”. This is all “the work” as mother Iyanla likes to call it when fixing lives, and it is work. Regardless of how great or little effort it takes for any of us, it is a given that in intimate, growing relationships, there must be room for these conversations to take place.
So for you, and me, and everyone we know…
Here are some questions to consider
- Does hearing criticism remind you of anyone specifically?
- Do you ever feel like you need to get even with people you feel criticized by? If so, what’s your earliest memory of this?
- What is the difference between constructive feedback versus criticism that is destructive, to you?
- How do you give feedback to others?
- How does your experience change when receiving a compliment?
In the scheme of growing alongside one another, and maintaining individual integrity, it’s natural to notice how another’s closeness brings ample opportunity to look in the mirror. The hope is that two people can do so with love and respect for themself and one another, as opposed to creating a new target to take out old trauma, baggage, and turmoil on. Hence why RC is so useful, in that we don’t have to confront someone we love (who is more like a bystander in our “work”) with the nitty, gritty, sometimes hella unpretty process of getting to the clarity. We get to keep between ourselves and our co-counselor. It isn’t our loved won’s fault, or automatically always their responsibility that they cross paths with our triggers. It is useful to give them feedback, and to be able to express what is helpful for you while you continue to do your own work. But be aware that simply giving someone you love verbal tips, tricks and insight on how they can avoid your “BS buttons” is only a piece to the larger puzzle that is yours. It don’t stop there!
